Outrageous House Music

Blogpost by Shaun Lever

2011, the penultimate year according to Nostra Damas and with the world in mass recession, clubs now forcing to open for just 3 minutes a week and David Guetta brainwashing us with melodies so simple they could teach them in infant schools it’s been really hard work to keep the crowd happy.

At the turn of the year former 90’s Dance music station Radio 1 stripped its playlist down to just two artists; Example and Nero much to the delight of middle class students leaving Fabio & Grooverider to present the top 40 countdown (now called the Rihanna chart). Pete Tong decided to stop playing music altogether opting to just repeat “Afrojack, steve Angello” over and over again like an enticing laughing clown on Blackpool pier.

Meanwhile, in a place called the North of England (just above Wolverhampton) dance music contiuned to rebel against society. Liverpool invented 128bpm trance meaning that the ToysRus keyboard that Alesso bought in the sales Christmas went to really good use. Avicci invented a machine that takes his existing tunes and just changes all the notes so people think its a new tune. There is also a setting on this machine that instantly locates bootleggers to put shit vocals over the top. Strangely enough whoever put N-trance’s Oldham-friendly anthem “Set you free” over the top of “Penguin” actually turned out the best version, compensating for Leona Lewis’ whining which will surely appear on many a “This is love” album for years to come.

They seemed to have the right idea in Leeds, taking 5 year old bassline tunes and just making new ones only with better processing! Ill Phil has been number one in the Bigtunes charts forever and maybe might just stay there. The thing about Jackin’ House or Electro as it was called last year is that for every first rate Ill Phil, Alex Lister or Ryan Blyth tune there’s 50 horrible shit pointless retarded noisy out of tune under EQ’d remix of an old Hip Hop tune made on a playstation 2 doing the rounds, slowing down and speeding back up like a bi-polar disco going wildly out of control. Ian Bland did it well with “Move Bitch” and Decontraband with “Regulate” but it’s only a matter of time now before some 12 year old remixes Stakka Bo.

Disco house proved it was one step ahead of Jesus by beginning its’ third coming this year. with Hed Kandi being out of favour with all the glamourous girls (they only listen to Steps and Ollie Murs now) it seemed only natural that Dirty Freek should put that excessive yet nice bassline to use leading many other artists to make 3000 other tunes sound the same. In other funky news, remixers Moto Blanco now don’t even turn up to do a remix, they just email the parts and key of the tune via their iphone to logic and it just sends the remix straight back to the record company in 7 minutes.

2011 could well be remembered as the year when RnB finally died off. Sadly in a year when we really needed a few sexy tunes to break the set down and get the ladies throwing some sexy shapes. Rihanna made house, The Black Eyed Peas made fidget and Jason Derulo made shit.

Shame really, i’ve spent the last 10 years moaning when moody bird wanted to ruin my nice house set with some Ashanti rubbish yet what I wouldn’t give now for a new track like Sunshine Anderson’s “Heard It All Before”.

Dentist drills over sequenced dustbin lids allowed fat people to dance easier this year with 70bpm Dubstep continuing to support claims that you don’t need to wash anymore. Whilst searching on the rubbish tip which is this supposed genre of music i found the proverbial working toaster which is “This isn’t house” by Dream which actually had nice melody to it.

2012 should be an interesting year if not a fruitful one. Jackin’ & Electro house will go into two factions of deep or cheesy. Funky house will begin to rise again. Beyonce will take over Rihanna again as the biggest star in the world (PS put a tenner on Baby Boi being number 1 the week she has that kid) and at least one more previously average RnB star will make it big making cheesy house. The smart money is on Keri Hilson.
Cheese will work its way into mainstream clubs again as soon as Steps start touring. UK Garage will almost make a comeback in the summer but not quite get there! Dubstep will die and so will Radio 1’s final remaining listeners. I can see Pete tong getting kicked off the station too. Afrojack will release an album that bombs. This Avicci style trance will get faster and faster then in Novemeber when it hit 138bpm some kid in Wigan will start adding Donks and acapellas much to the delight of people who go will only go to a nightclub in a tracksuit. The word of 2012 will be “Deep”. Fucking great, all we need in the times of competing with corporate branding and brainwashing of the general public. Can’t we just spend a year making good semi-written mainstream girly house music for a year instead of eunning before we can walk? Sometimes i think dance music is its own worst enemy. Here’s to 2012, and PLEASE for the love of God don’t play that awful Jay Sean record at midnight!

Peace out, Shaun Lever

You can follow Shaun on Twitter, Facebook or check out his sounds on Soundcloud